(enter stage left Walrusman, a unkempt gentleman who brings in returns but never makes purchases. He places thirteen empty cans on the counter.)
WALRUSMAN: I have fifteen.
ANDY: No, you have thirteen.
WALRUSMAN: That’s fifteen.
(Andy prints a receipt)
WALRUSMAN: You have no soul.
WALRUSMAN: What does your mother think of you?
ANDY: She probably thinks I could apply myself more, but otherwise I believe she thinks well.
WALRUSMAN: What are you doing in the fall?
WALRUSMAN: What are you doing for school?
ANDY: I’ve been out of school of a year now.
WALRUSMAN: Where did you go?
ANDY: The Boston Conservatory.
WALRUSMAN: A musician? What do you think of the works of Arnold Schoenberg?
ANDY: I like him.
WALRUSMAN: You WHAT?
ANDY: Yeah, he’s good.
WALRUSMAN: It is nothing but noise! Existentialist nonsense! All those string quartets are garbage. The only good thing he wrote was Verklarte Nacht.
ANDY: Yeah, that’s pretty good. You don’t like the Serenade? Or the Fourth String Quartet?
WALRUSMAN: It’s all terrible. Pointillism, or something, disjointed crap. Do you like his operas?
ANDY: Moses and Aron is alright.
WALRUSMAN: How can you? And the bats in Pierrot Lunaire? It’s like nightmares from a prison camp.
ANDY: That sounds like Wozzeck. Are you sure you’re not thinking of Berg?
WALRUSMAN: Alban Berg! He’s worse!
ANDY: You’re going to tell me that Berg’s Violin Concerto isn’t any good?!?
WALRUSMAN: It is awful. I like some Mahler, but who I really like is Rachmaninov.
ANDY: He’s okay. Do you like Britten?
WALRUSMAN: Some of it. I’ll tell you what you should listen to, do you know the Meditation from Thaïs by Massenet?
ANDY: Here’s your change.